The world-wide web has never been so boring. I stopped writing for a few months. I am sure everyone missed me.
There has been several occasions I found funny enough and thought I needed to blog about. By the time I sit down in the evening after putting a reluctant infant to bed, all I want to do is eat chocolate, have a glass of wine and watch an episode of television before I go nurse the night away. Our 9-month old has yet to sleep in his own crib, bed, or bassinet. He has fallen off the bed twice (much to my terror) landing face down on the dog bed (never even woke up) if that counts? Baby sleeps next to an all-you-can-eat buffet of breast milk and worms his way next to mamma until I wake to feed as he sees fit.
We plan on setting baby up in his crib any day now. Nightfall rolls around and our little peanut winds up right back in our bed. When he is not nursing his favorite place is hubby’s warm wooly armpit. Being the worlds lightest sleeper I constantly wake up to find baby face down, open-mouth sleeping in a nest of dads armpit hair. I try moving him, but always wake to find him back in the nook.
‘Hey hun, can you make sure you scrub your pits before bed and don’t lather on too much deodorant?’
We live in Hawaii now. Until early 2016. Nature and beaches are beautiful. I have an amazing job but I think I will quote the late Judy Garland:
“I know that if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire, I’ll never go any further than my own back yard. For if it isn’t there, I never really lost it”. (Dorothy, Wizard of Oz)
Damn I miss California.
Back to the amazing job. I got to the office early and had a conference call that lasted for three hours. During those three hours I had a stomach ache that I battled the hair standing on my arms and sipped water in attempt to quiet my stomach. The meeting ended, I ran down the hall to the restroom. It is a public office restroom that is typically desolate until you sneak in to discreetly relieve yourself. Suddenly it becomes Times Square in there with loads of people. This morning I chose the spacious handicap stall in an attempt for privacy and comfort while my bowels were in turmoil.
After several courteously flushes I heard a woman clear her throat and saw a pair of feet standing right in front of the stall. I hurried up and opened the door to find a handicap elderly lady waiting to use the handicap stall designed for her use!
Crysduh you stupid sick selfish stinky…Ran through my mind.
‘I am so so sorry ma’am. It was the only stall available when I came in.’
To make matters worse, it smelled like a Tijuana bar or a diaper full of curry inside the stall.
‘Its ok you were just warming it up for me.’
I scurried out with my ears bent low. Felt like something from a Seinfeld episode. Moral of the story, do not use the handicap stall. It may look spacious and private, but that is to accommodate wheelchairs, walkers, and handicap people.
This story did not have much to do with work, but the best way for me to jump-start my blogging is a Segway into a subject I always find humorous, toilet talk.