Welcome Back Crysduh!

The world-wide web has never been so boring. I stopped writing for a few months. I am sure everyone missed me.

There has been several occasions I found funny enough and thought I needed to blog about. By the time I sit down in the evening after putting a reluctant infant to bed, all I want to do is eat chocolate, have a glass of wine and watch an episode of television before I go nurse the night away. Our 9-month old has yet to sleep in his own crib, bed, or bassinet. He has fallen off the bed twice (much to my terror) landing face down on the dog bed (never even woke up) if that counts? Baby sleeps next to an all-you-can-eat buffet of breast milk and worms his way next to mamma until I wake to feed as he sees fit. 

cb picture

 

 

 

 

http://www.amberdusick.com/woodmouse_loves_crafts/illustrated-real-parenting-stories/

We plan on setting baby up in his crib any day now. Nightfall rolls around and our little peanut winds up right back in our bed. When he is not nursing his favorite place is hubby’s warm wooly armpit. Being the worlds lightest sleeper  I constantly wake up to find baby face down, open-mouth sleeping in a nest of dads armpit hair. I try moving him, but always wake to find him back in the nook.

‘Hey hun, can you make sure you scrub your pits before bed and don’t lather on too much deodorant?’

We live in Hawaii now. Until early 2016. Nature and beaches are beautiful. I have an amazing job but I think I will quote the late Judy Garland:

“I know that if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire, I’ll never go any further than my own back yard. For if it isn’t there, I never really lost it”. (Dorothy, Wizard of Oz)

Dorothy

Damn I miss California.

Back to the amazing job.  I got to the office early and had a conference call that lasted for three hours. During those three hours I had a stomach ache that I battled the hair standing on my arms and sipped water in attempt to quiet my stomach. The meeting ended, I ran down the hall to the restroom. It is a public office restroom that is typically desolate until you sneak in to discreetly relieve yourself. Suddenly it becomes Times Square in there with loads of people. This morning I chose the spacious handicap stall in an attempt for privacy and comfort while my bowels were in turmoil.

After several courteously flushes I heard a woman clear her throat and saw a pair of feet standing right in front of the stall. I hurried up and opened the door to find a handicap elderly lady waiting to use the handicap stall designed for her use!hcstall

Crysduh you stupid sick selfish stinky…Ran through my mind.

‘I am so so sorry ma’am. It was the only stall available when I came in.’

To make matters worse, it smelled like a Tijuana bar or a diaper full of curry inside the stall.

tj bar

‘Its ok you were just warming it up for me.’

I scurried out with my ears bent low. Felt like something from a Seinfeld episode. Moral of the story, do not use the handicap stall. It may look spacious and private, but that is to accommodate wheelchairs, walkers, and handicap people.

This story did not have much to do with work, but the best way for me to jump-start my blogging is a Segway into a subject I always find humorous, toilet talk.

Happy Friday!

 

 

Its hot as balls in here

If I had balls I am pretty sure they would be sticking to my leg right now. That is how hot it is. I usually embrace the late summer heat wave that graces our funky little beach town of Leucadia, but given my current living circumstances, I am cursing the weather. My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. We are moving to Hawaii. A town on the windward side of Oahu called Lanikai. It has some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Lanikai Beach_5_tour

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before you go and get jealous, moving across an ocean is a real shit show.  We are currently living in a vacation rental. We rented our home out on the 1st of the month and we cannot leave until the 20th so we are homeless. Our furniture was picked up and shipped off two weeks prior so we have will have been living out of suitcases for nearly two months. I found us a furnished vacation rental right next to the beach that allows dogs. The saying you get what you pay for could not be more true. In the interest of saving money I found a little apartment that was only $75.00 per night two blocks from the beach. The photos showed a bright airy little beach cottage and the guy who was renting it seems nice. When we arrived we found an old apartment complex that is a burn out surfer-dude hang out. I think our next door neighbors are slangin weed to the entire complex and openly do not mind firing up the bong. I could care less. I just want it to cool down.

imagesCAUV5WXB

Not the real apartments of where we are but I love the name of these apartments!

This apartment is situated right behind an old dive bar we used to frequent, Duke’s. dukes Which is painful for hubby and I. One year earlier we would be sitting down there drinking cocktails and playing music on the ‘Duke’ box. Now we watch old episodes of Lost, fall asleep on the couch at 9:30 and comfort our poor little sweaty baby. As far as babies go, we struck gold! Brady is such a love bug. He smiles, he studies everything, he sleeps well, he eats well, and he finally is able to pass his morning poops with ease. As I type baby drifts off to sleep smiling while laying in his bed. He actually likes to be laid down in his bed at the end of the day and will happily drift off to sleep! Who does that? I don’t want to get too braggy because one thing I have learned since becoming a parent. The second I start thinking I have the everything thing dialed in, it changes again.

Back to the issue at hand. The heat.

This apartment has absolutely no breeze, no fans, and turns out this is someones actual apartment not a vacation rental! The couple raced through the house showed us a few things, appologized for the heat and headed off to Bangkok.

‘If the apartment manager asks, tell her you are house sitting. If she asks about your dog tell her you are house sitting and didnt know’. He calls over his shoulder as he steps into his car.

I feel like we are going to get awaken in the middle of the night like in the movie Summer Rental  with John Candy.

untitled.

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow is another hot day on the forecast. Thank goodness for cold drinks, a car with AC and a few fans we were able to purchase. I hope I loose weight during this heat.

 

The Royal Baby

Probably will not be circumcised.

Our Royal Baby, Brady did get circumcised. I do not know why I thought of that.

 

My baby turns two months old tomorrow. Time flies when you are nursing your day away. Each day gets easier. I no longer have to bite down on my fist each time baby needs to latch on.

 

 

So freaking cute!

 

 

I am really sick of seeing my own nipples and watermelon sized breasts. I have started running again and I am having to wear (3) sports bras, a Lycra tank and I still feel like a sack of doughnuts.

 

My baby is so cute even his breath is wonderful! He has been going through some gas poop pains every morning around six a.m. He grunts super loud and pumps his legs around. Poor little peanut. I sit half awake and bicycle his baby legs praying for poop. Often this early morning poop party erupts with such force it shoots out his diaper and up his back. Today that was the case. I contemplated cutting off his onesie.

I stripped baby naked, laid him over my arm to wipe his back, as soon as I started to wipe off his bum, he peed on me. Good Morning mommy!

 

Can you guess which one is his poop face?

 

 

I surf the Internet on my phone while nursing sometimes. I started looking at pictures of Royal Baby and Princess Kate Middleton. I love that Princess Kate showed off her baby and was not afraid to show off her post pardon bump! Thank god someone that is human. I thought I would see Kim Kardashian come out in some Lycra printed one piece with an article on People Magazine on how she lost all her weight in 3 days! Thank you Princess, I do not feel so bad about my swollen belly! For the record, it has gone down significantly since we took this photo. Don’t you love how the guys do not have a hair out of place?

 

Hospital made me wear a band around my tummy…plus the camera adds ten pounds. All new parents leaving the hospital share a deer-in-headlights look in their eye.

 

Yes I did mirror our leaving the hospital photo against The Royal Family. It is late at night and I am doing screwy things.

I’m doing my best…!

imagesCAX8Y893Its been 5.25 weeks since baby was born. I need to exercise to keep my sanity. Tonight for the first time I attempted a run. I strapped my cantaloupe size gigantor breasts into two sports bras and thought I would give it a shot. When I set off everything jiggles and still slightly hurts but I pressed on. I took it super slow for the safety of my C-section. As I passed other runners I wanted to yell, “I am doing my best!” or “I just had a baby!” Instead I cranked up my music and thundered down the road.

“I’m doooiiinnnnggg mmmyyyy bbbbeeeeessstttt!”